Well, How did I get here?

I was reading my blogs today and I saw this on Boston Girl’s blog (http://www.bostongals.com/2009/05/ny-times-reporter-personal-credit.html) about an economist who got into big big debt. Well I too was a business major. And still I hung myself on the rope that the credit card banks gave me - paraphrased from this article
(http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/17/magazine/17foreclosure-t.html?pagewanted=print)
So I thought I’d tell a little more of the story.

I looked back through all my posts and it turns out I try not to dwell on my mistakes of the past but I have focused on the future. I deem this to be a good thing. Yet I think how I got here is worth examining. Even reading back through some old posts I found evidence of my fuzzy logic that often times was the result of chaos elsewhere in my life. Thankfully I am much more grounded now.
As I read back my blog is more stream of consciousness not a book of how to get out of debt. I think that is the part of the journey that is personal. All I really want to do is get out of debt not to become a journalist. Here are a few posts that chronicle some of my journey…

Inspiration to begin:
http://travelfarandwide.blogspot.com/2007/03/change.html
http://travelfarandwide.blogspot.com/2007/03/confession.html

Some more of my journey:
http://travelfarandwide.blogspot.com/2008/07/economy-and-personal-finance.html

I have come a long way:
http://travelfarandwide.blogspot.com/2007/04/changing-times.html http://travelfarandwide.blogspot.com/2007/04/clutter.html

So those posts have some of the history of how the big debt got started, but I know the choice I made that really started the whole thing…

It is as clear as day the moment I first dug the hole. I had my first real job. I had just moved out of my Mom’s house, where I went to recover during my divorce. I was paid an okay salary not awesome, but enough to live on. I got a one bed room with den for myself and my daughter. We needed a TV cabinet. Well need is a matter of definition. I picked one out of the JCP catalog. It was adorable. I can still see the item in my mind. I was building my cozy nest. I wanted my DD to have a nice home. Never mind that I should have saved up for it and paid cash. That is never going to happen I told myself. I can’t save money. And I need to be clean and organized. I need the cabinet. So I ordered it from JC Penny’S and I was on my way to Credit Card debt. I made monthly payments. I don’t remember if they were over the minimum. I doubt it. I carried the cabinet board by board into the house because the box was too heavy for me to carry by myself. I put it together with my friend the power screw driver. It looked pretty nice. We had a living room.

Then the hole got a little bit deeper…

I remember getting the card offer in the mail. The card was Prime Option; they are no longer in business. 0% interest. What a good idea. I'll transfer the 22% interest JCP card over to this new card and after 6 months it will be only 12% interest. I can "afford" that I thought. But then I needed gas one day. So I put that on the card too, again and again and again.

Not related to Credit but related to income, I did some soul searching about why I was not happy where I was. I was alone in PA. My friends all lived elsewhere. I was an hour from my mom. Why was I still here? So I decided to move to NC. I did some research. I had taken a Microsoft course in computer networking. My brother was getting paid $50K to set up computers, I could do that I thought. (I still have yet to make the 50K salary mark!) I am going to move to NC and take some more classes and start over.
Well, the move was mostly all on credit cards. My dad did pay for the moving truck through his business. He even offered me a job, which I accepted. I took the position of Business Manager. Great at someone else’s money just not my own. Everything went on the card.

Because I thought of myself as middle class and sliding I had a certain amount of pride about what I could afford. I was maintaining a lifestyle that no one saw... Irony of ironies I am an introverted person. I have few social interactions with the parents of my daughter. Even at our church I was never approached by other parents. I bet they could not even tell you my name. And yet I was maintaining a three bedroom apt so I could have an "Office" for myself? How stupid was I? Don’t answer that I already know.

Then the denial or magical thinking really began. Credit card bingo. It is a sign that you are in trouble with debt that you shuffle balances from card to card. I looked at it as a good money manager to keep transferring money around so that you can take advantage of offers.

In business school your studies are all about the analysis of others behavior. It is never a focus on you. It is not discussed to gain an edge by never taking out a car loan, or not having to pay credit card interest. It is implied but not explicit. The thing about that is you get cocky. I was really really good at floating money from month to month. I took that as skill at manipulating the interest rates not a sign that I would have t o pay that money back some day.

Then more magical thinking I had some money in an investment. It was equal to the amount on my cards... So I could pay them off at any time right? (or so I told myself) But I didn’t want to. And I kept thinking my career will pick up any time. I will get a job that will pay off all my bills. I will magically have a big check to pay it all off. Getting out of debt takes step by step perseverance. I never had that. I learned it mostly when I met my husband. And slowly I have improved it my ability to focus and finish a task.

Now as I move forward It is even more important to get to the goal. To finish what I have started and to live my life debt free.